NHJ’s Sean Dignam and his week #13 NFL Picks
I hope all you gambling addicts had a great Thanksgiving! There’s two types of families at Thanksgiving: A) The type that acts as though the dinner should be treated as a moment to cherish and love, where everyone should sit in silent contemplation of the things they have. They try to act as though turning on the football games while you eat would be a social blunder slightly below asking you old Uncle’s 19 year old girlfriend for a lap dance, and B) The family that is relaxed, eating in the living room, joking around, probably having too much beer but having a much better time. Here’s hoping you had a “B” type of holiday. ON TO THE PICKS!
Picks are in CAPS
PHILLY -3 @ Seattle — THURSDAY GAME!
A couple of 4-7 teams that are probably worse than their records indicate. My best friend is an Eagles fan, so I have watched about 80% of Philly’s games over the past 6 years. I can predict what Andy Reid is going to call for a play better than his strung out kids can. But I can’t tell you what the hamster on a wheel inside DeSean Jackson’ s brain will make him do next. He’s either the dumbest player ever, or the most successful special needs person of all time.
Tennessee at BUFFALO -1.5
Can everybody please shut up about Stevie Johnson’s “Fake shooting myself in the leg” celebration that mocked Plaxico Burress? It was incredible. It was genius. I’m totally against throwing a flag for excessive celebration, unless the celebration is lame. Also, I honestly have no idea what will happen in this game.
KANSAS CITY +7 @ Chicago
Isn’t it amazing how many NFL Quarterbacks are terrible? There’s 32 starting QB’s in the league as we speak, and by my count FIFTEEN are terrible (AND YES I’M COUNTING TEBOW). Imagine if just under 50% of airline pilots were terrible at their job? Everyone would do that Pope “kiss the ground” thing, and the economy would be saved with the sheer number of drinks sold on planes.
Oakland at MIAMI -3
Miami is a covering machine as of late, which means I’ll bet the farm on them, and Carson Palmer will have a renaissance game where he throws for 340 yards and 4 TD’s. I hate football sometimes.
CINCINNATI +6.5 @ Pittsburgh
Speaking of hating the NFL- I’d like a letter of apology from the entire Steelers organization (including signatures from all the DEAD Rooney family members) for that atrocious performance on Sunday night. YOU guys can explain to my kids why they’ll have an Imagination Christmas tm Ned Flandersthis year.
Week 13 Picks
Do you think Browns fans look at the Ravens the same way a guy that got dumped by his girlfriend does when she goes on to become a Doctor, while he’s stuck with a new woman who wears sweatpants in public?
NY JETS -3 @ Washington
Jets fans are not all that dissimilar to pre 2004 Red Sox fans- used to punishment like a whipped dog, incredibly willing to accept any sort of affection, ravenously protective and paranoid if an outsider dare suggests that they, or their team, might be anything less than Super bowl bound, yet completely willing to turn on a dime at the first sign of duress. Also, Sanchez sucks.
ATLANTA -2.5 @ Houston
Houston looked destined for, at worst, a 2 seed in the AFC playoffs. Then Matt Schaub got hurt, and Houston fans said “It’s alright, we can still win this division with Matt Leinart!”, and then LEINART got hurt, and now they’re stuck with TJ Yates, Kellen Clemmens, and not JAKE FRIGGIN DELHOMME. Every new revelation at QB is worse. Basically, the Texans are Herman Cain, the QB’s are the mistresses/ groping victims.
Carolina @ TAMPA BAY -3
Carolina has a worse defense then Jerry Sandusky. WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘TOO SOON’?!?!
Detroit @ NEW ORLEANS -9
If I had desposible income, I would buy an unending supply of remotes to throw at my unending set of 80” plasma TV’s whenever some talking head blowhard starting railing against “dirty players” like Ndomukong Suh. EVERY PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE IS DIRTY. Tim Tebow would gouge your eyes out with a pentagram at the bottom of a pileup for possession of the football, and don’t you ever forget it.
DENVER +1.5 @ Minnesota
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU to keep betting the Tebow train until he fails to cover. I can’t name another Bronco, by the way. I just call of them Tebow, the way my Great Grandmother with Alzheimer’s called everyone in the family “Al”.
St. Louis at SAN FRANCISCO -13
Ignore the loss on Thanksgiving against Baltimore; they had to fly cross country on 3 days rest and play against a team that was clearly WAAAAAAY more fired up for that game than they were. Wait, didn’t I take Philly up there? Craaaaaaaaaap…..
DALLAS -4.5 @ Arizona
Dallas can all but wrap up the NFC East with a win and losses by the Giants and Redskins. I for one can’t WAIT to be against Tony Romo in the playoffs this year. Picture it, 2nd round, SF leads by 6 with 2:14 to go in the game, Romo gets the ball on his own 17 in a driving rain…. I can SMELL the pick 6 from here.
GREEN BAY – 6.5 @ NY Giants
It’s the annual “Giants quit on Tom Coughlin Holiday Special”!!! It’s as predictable as having to put up with those insane “War on Christmas” people, or me drunk texting my 11th grade girlfriend after a 6 pack of Shipyard Prelude. This NY crowd could get ugly FAST if Green Bay goes up 13-0 or so in the first half, and the G’ints stop trying tackle like they did against New Orleans.
INDY +20 @ New England
This has “Bill Belichick pulls Tom Brady in the 3rd Quarter, even though he NEVER EVER DOES THAT, and Indy somehow gets a backdoor cover” written all over it.
San Diego at JACKSONVILLE +3
Wait, WHICH of these two teams fired their coach this week? IT WASN’T CRATER-FACE TURNER? At least Jack Del Rio can finally fulfill his destiny of getting a lousy detective show on TNT now.
Enjoy the games!