NH Journal’s NFL Picks for week 5 with Sean Dignam
Baseball claims to be America’s pastime. This time of year, it’s impossible to flip on you TV without seeing a Tim Kurkjian, or Buster Onley, or Bob Costas, or any of the hundreds of impossibly short men that all seem to gravitate towards sermonizing about baseball, doing just that. Lecturing you about how it’s a kids game, the most American of games, and blah blah blah MAKE IT STOP.
If I see Billy Crystal yapping about Mickey Mantle and what a living god he was (when he wasn’t puking up the gallon of Canadian Club he drank out of a hookers orifices’ the previous evening) (not that I begrudge Mickey that, but still), I may start boycotting these 5 hour playoff games.
No friends, America’s real pastime is FOOTBALL. It involves everything we love as Americans- simulated combat, strategy, drinking, ignoring our families…. And most of all, GAMBLING! Roger Goodell and can deny it all he wants, but gambling is a huge reason that the NFL is more popular than insuring your children grow up well adjusted. I know I’m late to the party here at NH Journal, but here’s my picks for week 5 in the NFL. The total record you find at the end is from one of the many, many NFL pools I’m in.
THE PICKS! For entertainment purposes only! Ha!
Picks in CAPS.
KANSAS CITY (+2.5) at Indianapolis
Last week we saw the return of the Peyton Manning face! Peyton Manning is probably a nice guy, but my sports hatred for him is irrational. It’s like how I imagine John Boehner’s laundry service reacts when they get another set of shirts covered in spray tan.
ARIZONA (+2.5) at Minnesota
It’s the “Andy Reid traded us before anyone figured out we sucked” Bowl! If Andy Reif could call Red Zone plays like he trades crappy QB’s, The Eagles would’ve won 5 Super Bowls by now. Speaking of which….
PHILADELPHIA (-2.5) at Buffalo
One of my best friends is an Eagles fan, so I’ve watched about 70% of their games over the last 5 years, and, despite a combined BAL of around 1.13, we correctly predicted about 90% of the Red Zone plays Philly would run. Not a good sign.
Oakland at HOUSTON (-6)
I like that Hank Williams Jr.’s “Apology” for Calling Obama Hitler sounded exactly like a message board troll’s explanation of why it’s ok to call Obama Hitler.
NEW ORLEANS (-6.5) at Carolina
Why does Drew Brees have that thing on his face still? I love watching the Saints play, Brees is a terrific QB, but whenever he’s on TV, I am completely distracted by the fact that he has an Easter Island rock figure growing out of his right cheek.
CINCINNATI (+2.5) at Jacksonville
More people will have seen Sarah Palin’s trainwreck movie than will watch this putrid excuse for a football game.
TENNESEE (+3) at Pittsburgh
You ever have that moment when you’re playing sports with your father, or uncle, and suddenly you realize that no, you didn’t over throw that last pass, your father/uncle is suddenly old as hell? That’s the Steelers.
Seattle at NY GIANTS (-10)
Fun prop bet: What number is higher, Tavaris Jackson INT’s, or close-ups of Eli Manning where the look on his face makes you think he eats lead paint chips?
TAMPA BAY (+3) at San Francisco
I know Alex Smith has been playing well, but I’m still treating him like the ex-girlfriend that threatened to burn your apartment down, but then goes on anti-depressants and wants you back: I’m not bringing her home.
NY Jets at NEW ENGLAND (-9)
My Mother In-Law is from NY, and is kinda-sorta a Jets/Giants/Yankees/Everything NY fan. And when one of those teams wins, she talks smack on my facebook. There is NOTHING more frustrating than not being able to unleash a torrent of internet profanity on someone who knows nothing, NOTHING ABOUT SPORTS!!!!! *sighs*
SAN DIEGO (-4) at Denver
This “PLAY TEBOW” crap the Broncos fans are pulling is reeeeeaaallllly making me look forward to his inevitable coke/hooker binge that ends up all over TMZ.
GREEN BAY (-6) at Atlanta
I’m pretty sure Atlanta secretly is terrible. Plus I want Aaron Rodgers to throw for 600 yards and 7 TD’s just to stick it to Brett Favre this week.
Chicago at DETROIT (-5)
Jay Cutler is the most unlikeable diabetic in America, at least until Snooki from “The Jersey Shore” develops type-2.
LAST WEEK: 11-5
SEASON : 36-24-4