Dignam:NFL Week 8 Picks on NHJ
I mentioned this once before, but there’s nothing, NOTHING worse than talking about sports with someone who has very limited sports knowledge, but feels the need to comment on every sports happenstance. I feel an extreme contempt for these people, kind of how I imagine Mitt Romney reacting if one of his servants tried to talk “taking over a business and then firing half the workforce” with him.
My internal monologue reactions vary from wanting to stab my ears out with a pen, to wishing the person spreading their lack of sports knowledge the same fate as Qaddaffi in the various snuff films released featuring his last moments.
This is why people drink more at Thanksgiving and Christmas; it’s not because their depressed, it’s because they need SOMETHING to repress the urge to kill the Uncle they never see saying something like “If the Patriots would just throw the ball less, they’d score more points”.
ON TO THE PICKS! Picks are in CAPS
Indy at TENNESEE (-8.5)
There’s never been a team actively trying to lose as much as Indy right now. Pretend you were playing flag football with everyone you work with, and Curtis Painter. If you were a captain, would Curtis Painter even be in your top 5 picks? (Answer: Probably not. Unless you work at Wal Mart. And if you work at Wal Mart and read NHJ, all that George Bush stuff from the early 00’s REALLY WORKED on you).
JACKSONVILLE (+9.5) at Houston
I’m gonna shock you with actual football analysis here, but Jacksonville has given up only 7 points in their last 6 quarters, vs Pittsburgh and Baltimore.
Minnesota at CAROLINA (+3.5)
How fun is Cam Newton? Whatever they were paying him to play at Auburn, it isn’t enough. If my team lost to Cam Newton, I wouldn’t even be that pissed (that’s a lie). He’s like everything we thought Mike Vick would be, minus the dog strangulation.
NEW ORLEANS (-13.5) at St. Louis
New Orleans scored 62 points last week, which is more than the Rams have scored ALL SEASON. This one is going to be “Newt Gingrich having sex” ugly.
Arizona at BALTIMORE (-13)
Do you think Larry Fitzgerald stays up at night trying to think of ways to poison Kevin Kolb? Because I do. Fun fact: One of my friends owns a Kevin Kolb Eagles jersey.
MIAMI (+10) at NY Giants
Miami might be the best of the many putrid teams we have this year. Plus, Eli is a mortal lock not to cover a big line at home when that Giants Stadium wind is blowing more than 4 MPH.
Washington at BUFFALO WHO IS ACTUALLY IN TORONTO (-6)
Are there two cities in closer proximity that have a greater “desirability to live in” discrepancy than Buffalo and Toronto? It’d be like if you put San Diego an hour away from Maine.
DETROIT at Denver, Tim Tebow, and his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
Let the lazy, terrible “Lions vs Christians” jokes from fat sportswriters commence! Ndamukong Suh vs the Future American Pope. Thank god I’m an atheist.
NEW ENGLAND (-3) at Pittsburgh
Bill Belichick with 2 weeks to prepare. Bill Belichick with 2 weeks to prepare. Bill Belichick with 2 weeks to prepare. Bill Belichick with 2 weeks to prepare. Bill Belichick with 2 weeks to prepare. Bill Belichick with 2 weeks to prepare.
SAN FRANCISCO (-8) at Cleveland
Just to show you how important coaching is in (announcer voice) THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, this is basically the same crappy 49er team as last year, only with Jim Harbaugh being a douche, instead of Mike Singletary crapping all over himself on the sidelines.
Cincinnati at SEATTLE (+3)
This will probably be wrong, but I can’t pick Andy Dalton giving points on the road yet. If it makes him feel better, I’m pretty sure his nickname ”The Red Rifle”, is the title of an adult film.
DALLAS (+3.5) at Philly
Asante Samuel is mad at Andy Reid and co, because they wanted to trade him. Evidently 3 corners that can’t tackle worth a damn was too much? I seriously think Dallas will score 49 points in this game.
San Diego at KANSAS CITY (+3.5)
If there’s one gambling rule I never break, it’s “Always take a home underdog when their head coach looks like a guy from Lebanon, Maine, that would be arrested for sexual assault of a minor against the team with a soft defense , whose coach looks like a Smallpox survivor”. Never Fails.