Hey kids! I know you degenerates out there missed my picks last week. That’s what happens when your wife decides to throw a theme birthday party for your now 8 year old and his friends. Oh, and then the party lasts 3 hours. Have you ever tried to get 12 7 or 8 year olds to pay attention to ANYTHING for 3 hours? I was begging my body to have a stroke, a seizure, anything to stop me from having to participate.
And yes, I said a stroke. At that point, given the choice between speaking like Dick Clark for the rest of my life, or having to listen to a wise ass 7 year old, while resisting the overwhelming urge two hit him with a right cross wasn’t a choice AT ALL. On to the picks!!!
Picks are in CAPS
Chicago vs TAMPA (+1) (At London)
Also, bonus pick: Jay Cutler @ ANGRY DURNKEN MOB OF BRITS (-4.5)
There’s no way Cutler makes it out of England without misinterpreting some British slang and starting a fight, only to see his offensive line scatter once the fight starts
Washington @ CAROLINA (+2.5)
I’d rather listen to 3 hours of Glenn Beck than take John Beck in a road game. OK that’s a dirty lie, but still.
SAN DIEGO (-2) @ NYJets
Which is creepier, Norv Turner’s pock marks, or Rex Ryan’s foot fetish? Let’s make a line out of it:
NORV TURNER’S POCK MARKS @ Rex Ryan’s foot fetish (-2)
Norv is much creepier. But hooray for smallpox survivors! (Fake Editors note: We don’t think he had smallpox, he’s just gross)
Seattle @ CLEVELAND (-3)
Good Christ, here’s the game I won’t be flipping to even once on the DirecTV Package.
Houston @ TENNESEE (-3)
This is a battle for first place in the AFC South!! In other words, the team that gets to lose a home playoff game to Buffalo or the Jets in round 1.
DENVER (+1.5) @ Miami
Tebow fans get to have their Tebow-gasm. What’s weirder, REALLY LIKING a mediocre QB because of his faith, or REALLY HATING a mediocre QB because he did a “Don’t get an abortion, your baby could be in the NFL!” commercial with his mom?
Atlanta @ DETROIT (-3.5)
Lost in the Schawtz/Harbaugh handshake thing last week is the fact that you expect two guys to be civil to one another, 5 seconds after they get done ordering their 53 HGH addled men to try and kill the other 53 HGH addled men on the opposite sideline.
KANSAS CITY (+4.5) @ Oakland
A FIRST AND SECOND ROUNDER FOR CARSON PALMER?!!?! Do they not have cable in Oakland? (Note: Possibly.) Carson Palmer was terrible last year, to the point where people were openly speculating that he was letting his brother dress up in his uni and throw picks. This isn’t going to end well.
PITTSBURGH (-3.5) @ Arizona
Seriously though, this is your last chance, Pittsburgh. Crapping all over yourselves in the 2nd half and not covering vs Jacksonville last week caused me to use profanity not heard since Rick Santorum googled his name for the first time.
St. Louis @ DALLAS (-12.5)
I’m afraid of Tony Romo, not because he’ll somehow screw up covering 12.5 (He will), but because his eyes are all pupils. There’s no color at all except black. CREEPY.
GREEN BAY (-9) @ Minnesota
“Hey Donovan? Yeah, we know we brought you in this year, and you have all those soup commercials, but we think the rookie, who was so bad in pre-season that we ran a High School style offense, is a better option than you. “
Indianapolis @ NEW ORLEANS (-14) (Sunday Night)
PAINTER! BREES! It’s a Super Bowl re-match on NBC!! Yuck.
BALTIMORE (-7.5) @ Jacksonville (Monday Night)
What did we do as a society to deserve all these crappy prime time games? Is anything even open in Jacksonville once this game gets over?
Last Week: 8-5